South Park is Gay?

South Park fan fiction
Genre: Humour, I guess but it's not that funny.
Disclaimer : Yeah




At the age of fifteen Craig Tucker was not one to be outdone. No, Craig liked to win, maybe a little more than was necessary or you know healthy but like it he did. It was his fierce competitive nature and stubbornness that had earned him his spots on both the football and the soccer teams after all, as well as kept his grades well above average. However, you may be surprised to learn, this was not enough for Mr. Craig Tucker. Quite the contrary. In fact, Mr Tucker found while good at a great many things he was by no means the best. Sure he was on the football team but he wasn't the star player. And yeah he may be co-caption of the soccer team but so was Token. And while maintaining a high average in all his subjects he was no match for Kyle or Wendy, or Bebe, or Fred, or well but that isn't the point. No. The point was he wasn't the best or the most of anything. And it irked him. Should he have let it go? Yes. Was he going to? No. So you can imagine that when a new trend arrived at South Park Elementary Craig was determined to stay on top of it. Determined to for be the best and the most! Even if it killed him he was going to be the gayest one there. Erm, I mean the most metrosexual.

Craig stared at his reflection in the mirror. He smiled exposing his teeth, and ran his tongue over them while making sure they were satisfyingly white. The pale blue bathroom counter was covered with various products including hair jell, toothpaste, and everything else he had raided from his parents cabinets. Smoothing down his hair with jell, he reminded himself that although the process was time consuming and uncomfortable it would be worth it to finally beat those jerks. Otherwise known as Kenny, Kyle, Stan and Fata- I mean Cartman.

Today was going to be the day! Craig smirked while fiddling with the cuff of his pink fur lined pink jacket. Still looking in the mirror but no longer recognizing the person reflected he felt he was ready. He grabbed his square pink sunglass and headed out the bathroom door. Ignoring the glare from his sister he proceeded down stairs. Ruby's confused stares (because who wouldn't be surprised when Craig didn't flip them of? Well unless they realized flipping people the bird wasn't exactly very metrosexual) went unnoticed as Craig threw open the door and walked to the bus stop with purpose and anticipation.

Craig tried his best not to shiver; he'd have to suck it up in order to make this mextrosexual thing work. He wondered if Token, Clyde and Tweek had all done what he had asked. He had given them each a detailed list outlining what to wear and hoped they'd followed. He knew his friends wanted to be cool just as much as he did. As much as anyone ever did. But it was key they do exactly what he said.

You see Craig didn't have very good taste in fashion and really never had. He'd always ignored clothes and anything relating to what looks good or what matches what had immediately been lost on him. Despite this he had stayed up all last time when he realized today was going to be the first day the school turned gay and had planned their outfits to the letter. With lots of help and aggravation of course. Spotting Tweek waiting next to the bus stop in all his metrosexual glory Craig's fears were eased. Checking o-Eying one of his best friends Craig sighed in relief.

Tweek had prepared himself for the moment when he would see Craig all 'gayed up', to use what was probably a politically incorrect term, but the nine minutes spent waiting at the bus stop were not enough. Cowering, Tweek gripped his thermos of coffee tightly and tried to disappear behind his bright sunglass. Craig had certainly gone all out.

"Hey Tweek," the slightly nasally voice muttered. Tweek squeaked in reply before taking a prolonged sip of his coffee. Craig smiled amused down at Tweek and might have ruffled his hair good-naturedly had it not been for all the jell he used and mess it would cause. "Today we're finally going to show 'em eh?" Craig turned to Tweek smiling. Tweek nodded staring at Craig's braces with would be coming off soon. He wondered what Craig's smile would look like when they were off.

Craig chuckled smugly as he saw Token and Clyde approaching wearing outfits that near perfectly matched his own and Tweek's. He knew it was over the top but you couldn't get much gayer than matching outfits and he knew no one else would think of it. "Hey," Craig greeted. His smile faltered as he noticed their expression "What's wrong? Oh my God is there something wrong my outfits?" While wincing internally Craig kept up the act. Even around his friends who probably knew if he didn't want to win so badly he'd be dressed in his normal large blue coat and hat.

"I wouldn't look so smug yet Craig." Clyde informed his sombrely. "Stan, Kenny and Cartman are giving Kyle a makeover. NOW! There's no way we'll be able to match their looks! Ours will be so yesterday!" Clyde said with a fake stereotypically gay lisp. Token nodded too. Craig only chuckled and linked his arm with Tweek.

"Oh come on now we all know Kyle's the weakest link. He hates fashionable fads and conforming. No matter how great he looks we'll kick his ass!" Craig paused as he took in the looks of questioning from his friends. "I-I mean show him its done!" Craig recovered snapping his fingers to accentuate his point. Token and Clyde accepted this and went on chattering about the latest gossip and trends.

When the bus finally came Craig couldn't have been happier, the droning of Clyde and Token would finally come to an end. Arms still linked, him and Tweek boarded the bus and chose a seat near the back opposite Token and Clyde. Craig looked around but could not spot the infamous quartet anywhere. Well, he'd certainly see them at school that was for sure. Staring out the window hand lightly resting on Tweek's thigh (because he had failed to realize his arm and Tweek's were linked and hadn't spared any energy to change that or move his hand to a more appropriate position) Craig thought about the looks on their faces when Craig and his gang beat them. When Craig proved once in for all he was the gayest! No wait, the most metrosexual! That's what he meant.

When they did inevitably arrive at school and Craig's gang came face to face with Stan's, Craig had to admit, "You guys look pretty gay," Stan's face light up and Craig suspected if he could see Kenny's it would too but it was clear Kyle didn't really care. Cartman, smug as always, was about to reply when Craig continued "Not as gay as us though." Their faces dropped and Token took this opportunity to nod his head arrogantly and Clyde chortled in amusement.

"Nuhuh! I don't think so girlfriend. Please Craig, we are ten times gayer than you." Cartman snapped his fingers flamboyantly and smiled as Stan, Kenny and Kyle gathered around him two of the three trying their hardest to prove Eric's point. Tweek twitched beside Craig but the dark hair boy soothed him my patting him gently on the arm. He was not letting Cartman win.

"Oh yeah?! We're superduper triple-dog gay!" Craig shouted adorning a lisp as well. He managed to snap his fingers at the same time as Token clearly scoring them a much-needed point, because Craig had to admit that Kyle, the weakest link, looked considerably hot in his new metrosexual outfit.

" Oh yeah?! We're all just super stamp it stamp it no erasies mega gay!" Cartman stuttered back. Kenny's hood muffled his sigh. Of all the times to be a complete idiot, Cartman had to do it now.

"W-What are you ngh eight?" Tweek retorted. Craig smiled and crossed his arms self-satisfied. Tweek may be just as twitchy as when he was smaller but he was certainly more self-assertive. Tweek sneered and adjusted his sunglasses. Maybe Craig was right maybe they would win. Craig wasn't the only one who hadn't been the best at anything and being the twitchiest wasn't exactly something to be proud of either.  Tweek gulped down his coffee with high hopes.

Having heard a large commotion, Chef had decided it was best to check it out. To his credit when he saw who was fighting he made no prior judgments about the kid's new get up, being the only cafeteria worker he tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. "What's all this fighting about?" He asked. He adjusted his white chef's hat and wiped some grease onto his apron that he wore over a normal red shirt.

Stan, clearly trying to take over control after Cartman's major screw up, stepped forward and turned to Chef exasperated while maintaining a strong glare at Token and his company.  "These guys are trying to say they're gayer than us." Stan cried. Chef shook his head in exasperation. He'd given them the benefit of the doubt, and they had shown him he really shouldn't have.

"Aw nah. Don't tell me you children have taken up this whole metrosexual fad, too!" Chef had known these kids long enough and knew nothing good could come from fads. Nothing, this was bound to end badly. And especially in this town. A lot of crazy stuff happened in South Park.

" Oh My God, this is not a fad, this is who we are!" Stan shouted clearly offended. "Can't you just accept us? What are you metrophobic or something!" Chef stared opened mouthed and shook his head. He was not going to get into this now. Beside it was better they argue about who was more metrosexual than beat each other up anyway. He'd already seen Tweek and Craig go at it. They'd put each other in the hospital! This was much safer. So, Chef left leaving Stan feeling triumphant as he turned back to Craig. He approached Craig with defiance and leaned in close enough that Craig could smell Stan's breath. It was minty fresh, just like his own. "We are so gayer than you." Stan stated waiting for Craig to defend himself. In such an annoying tone that momentarily Craig threw all reasons not to be violent and pissed off away. He stepped back and grinned adrenaline pumping through his veins. A score was just about to be settled whether he liked it or not.

"Oh yeah?" He asked, fake lisp disappearing. "Prove it." And in a moment of passionate anger and competitiveness, he did the gayest thing he could think of. He turned to Tweek, grabbed his face with both of his hands, and kissed him. Now Craig wasn't the most experienced kisser, having never had a girlfriend, and really had absolutely no idea what he was doing, but taking knowledge he'd read in book and in online fan fictions he licked Tweek's bottom lip hoping that that was some sort of universal sign for 'open you mouth'. Apparently, it was, so Craig continued to coax Tweek into relaxing into the kiss, and the latter dropped his, luckily closed, thermos.

Completely thrown and flabbergasted Stan turned around and grabbed Kyle leaning him against a nearby wall and doing the same. He ignored Kyle's initial reaction, which was to freak out. If Craig could kiss a guy, then Stan could kiss a guy and Kyle was going to have to deal with it. Kenny unzipped his light purple hoodie (his family had grown too poor to afford anything as ritzy as a coat) and gawked. He turned to Cartman who too was very much surprised by this display and then looked over at Token and Clyde who were giving each other looks that clearly showed their disinterest in doing the same as their two friends.

"Hah," Kenny said.  "Take that, now we're just as gay as you," Kenny smiled. Craig briefly stopped French kissing Tweek and sighed loudly and angrily. He would rather be kissing Tweek but he wasn't letting this go for various reasons. Including but now to limited to winning at all costs.

"No, you're not." Craig stated with as much firmness as one could muster while having one hand wrapped around another's waist and the other up his shirt. Kenny laughed. Craig may be tough as a normal guy but as a metrosexual one, Craig simply couldn't get the hang of it. Kenny watched Clyde prepare to defend his best friend's statement. Hah, even Clyde could pull of being metro better than Craig. Craig was just too tough.

"Because you and Tweek making out is so much gayer than Stan and Kyle!" Ken doll replied sarcastically. Stan and Kyle's make out session faded away as they noticed the argument. "And besides look at Kyle's outfit! It's WAY cuter than yours. And at least he can pull it off." Let's see Craig try and dig his way out of that one.

"Shut up McCormick!" Craig shouted taking a step away from Tweek and balling his fists. Clyde gulped and stepped away from his friend, urging Token to do the same. It was hazardous to one's health to be anywhere near Craig when he was really angry.

"What are you going to do? Beat me with your stragitness!" Craig very well might. Or he would have if it didn't mean losing. He would give almost anything to punch Kenny in the face right now. Instead, he flipped him off.

"I'm not straight!" And it was true he wasn't! Craig was in fact attracted to men. Of course mentioning that to anyone on a sport's team would just lead to awkwardness and would do nothing to improve his chances of winning but that's didn't make it false. It just made it something he didn't really tell people, ever.

"Tell that to your pants," Kenny snickered. Having had enough and finally reached his boiling point Craig stepped back towards Tweek. He didn't know what he was going to do. He didn't plan on coming out. But if there was no other way to win this…

"GODDAMMIT I AM ACTUALLY GAY YOU IDIOTS!" Craig shouted while pinning Tweek up against a locker and kissing him. That should thusly prove his homosexually…but wasn't he trying to prove his metrosexuality? Kyle scowled at Craig. Did he think he was the only gay one here? That it made him special?

"Wait what?" Cartman asked. No one seemed to give him any attention. Stan determined now to beat Craig moved to kiss Kyle. He moved an inch when Kyle pushed him out of the way and faced Craig.

"So what? I am too asshole. That's one, one still tied." Kyle shouted back getting caught up in the heat of the moment. "But not after this." He muttered. He surprised Stan by taking the lead and resumed making out with him. It seemed Kyle, too, did not like to lose.

Kenny tried not to stare at his two friends making out but it was hard. He had to stay focused on arguing. They needed to somehow prove that Kyle and Stan kissing was gayer than Tweek and Craig. Kenny thought this wouldn't be so hard. After all Clyde and Token weren't about to kiss anyone so all he needed was a quick peck on the lips from some unsuspecting guy and then Bingo, they'd score a point. So, Kenny did just that. And took great pride in the panicked looks that were displayed on Token and Clyde's faces. As well the "I'm not going to do it," Token muttered to Clyde.

"You mean they're actually gay? Craig and Kyle?" Cartman continued to murmur but was ignored for obvious reasons. Winning was far too important to let any of that sink in.

Kenny was feeling pretty happy with himself, that was until Tweek let out a loud moan which was quickly followed by a ''Me too, ngh G-gay, al-so'' as Craig did something highly inappropriate which left Kenny, Stan, Cartman and Kyle with absolutely no way to recover. Upon hearing this, both Kyle and Stan broke apart admitting defeat. It shouldn't be too hard not being the most metrosexual. Besides Kyle didn't really like the way he was dressed anyway. He didn't need clothes to tell him his sexuality. Which he'd just admitted openly (or rather shouted loudly) in school for the first time. Taking off his stupid hat, he left in search of his old one. The awkward tension behind him and the fact he'd just made out with his super best friend did not faze him. Yet.

Stan swore quietly and sulked off at the sound of the bell alerting them to finally get to their first period class. Token left eagerly and Clyde stayed only long enough to poke Craig to see what happened (Craig flipped him off) before heading off too leaving Cartman and Kenny to watch Craig and Tweek continue to make out.

"Eh guys," Kenny hollered his voice returning to usual. "Shouldn't you be going to first period? I'm not sure making out in the hall is a good way to learn." Kenny teased. Laughing when Craig flipped him the bird he steered himself and Cartman to their homeroom class.

"Wait," Cartman stopped in the hall and Kenny turned to look at him. "So you mean all this time, even before this metrosexual thing, Craig and Kyle…and Tweek we're gay?" Kenny nodded. Not really sure how Cartman could have missed that bit of information. "That's, that's…"

"I know what you mean, Tweek I can see but I always figured it'd be Clyde and Stan who were gay you know?" Kenny responded nonchalantly. "Anyway we better get to class. Mrs. Cuddy is going to have our asses if we're late again." Kenny left but Cartman stood still. Eric looked down at what he was wearing and then thought back to Kyle, Tweek, and Craig. They weren't metrosexual. Cartman was staring to doubt anyone in this school really was. But those three, they…they were gay. Gay as in homosexual. And he couldn't make fun on them. Because they were gay, and gay was cool. And Craig, oh how he hated Craig, was clearly the gayest but…but that would make him the coolest wouldn't it? And where was he? Where was Cartman? He was straight! He was going to change the minute he got home after seeing what he's just seen. But if gay was cool than straight was…

"God damn it!"